"Welcome, Lads and Gentle-bros, to Manly Arena. I'm Chet Machismo and, as always, I am joined by my perilously unfiltered cohort, Biff Beefly, for the inaugural match of 'Rings In The Ring.' Tonight we bring you two titans of toughness, Tungsten Carbide and Titanium, in what I am sure will be a thrilling grudge-match for ring supremacy."
"That's right, Chet, but don't forget to welcome all the Ladies in the audience as well. There's nothing wrong with a woman who likes some good old-fashioned ring-on-ring action, and we don't need more nagging complaints to the producers."
"At least not any more than using the word 'nagging' has already earned, Biff. We'd best get this match underway before you get us canceled for the fifth time. Let's send it down to our 'Rings in the Ring' judge, Micky J., for the opening bell."
"This is a best-of-three match, with each ring showcasing its best attributes. No hitting below the equator, no mocking of ring size, and most of all, no hiding in your ring box. The match starts at the sound of the bell, so shake bands, and LET'S GET IT ON!" *DING*
Round 1: Durability
"Well Biff, these rings are coming out swinging. Titanium is making the first move, showing off that signature toughness it took William Justin Kroll to figure out how to tame. Titanium knows that, ounce-for-ounce, it is one of the strongest metals in the world, and it isn't afraid to brag."
"A stunning display for sure, Chet. But Tungsten isn't just going to lie there and take it like the navy just pulled into port. Here comes the 'I'm 10 times harder than 18K gold, and won't bend under extreme pressure' suplex. And, yes! Tungsten landed it! That is how you show off the ability to crack, rather than bend and squish, in case of an emergency."
"Thank you for that crude and FCC fine-inducing commentary Biff. Let's see how that "crack rather than bend" approach lands with the judges. Don't forget what tile floors do to Tungsten. The bell is seconds away, with both rings are demonstrating their superior scratch-resistance.. *DING* … That is the end of the round. Let's see the judge's scores... And by a narrow margin, Titanium draws first blood. On to round two."
Round 2: Style, Shine, Versatility
"They say style is subjective Chet. My guess is these two are going to 'subject' each other to the type of beat-down only seen in a Chuck Norris movie. Here comes Tungsten, flashing that sleek, dark exterior, bringing a shine that can hold its own against any precious metal."
"Very true Biff. But you know what really shines like a precious metal? Precious metal! Titanium can take a polish, and come out looking identical to the most sterling of silver. That kind of regal swag just can't be beat when you want to look like a true king. And let's not forget, weight is a factor here. Titanium is far lighter than Tungsten, which can be a plus for manly men who work with their hands."
"Right you are Chet. And for manly men who like to feel the weight of their importance on their finger, solid Tungsten is there. Also, we all know it's more fun to play with others than play with ourselves. Let's see how well our combatants do with inlays and other additives Tungsten is bringing out one of its sexiest offerings, the Wheelman. That sleek, dark exterior is perfectly contrasted by the green aluminum inlay, making for one bad-ass ring! And that is without showing off how well Tungsten takes to colored plating, which Titanium just can't pull off. "
"Very true Biff. But Titanium is no slouch, bringing out its crown-jewel, the King Arthur. This is a ring fit for a true ruler of his domain, with a stunning Koa Wood inlay reminiscent of the best Wood Wedding Bands. And, wait... Is that? Yes, that is a stylish etching along the edges! Titanium just played the 'I can take a form other than smooth' card, And here comes the bell... *DING*... And it is a tie! Half a point to each"
"I don't know if I like that call Chet. Those judges seem a bit biased, almost as if some foreign agency was meddling with the vot..."
"OK Biff! On to the next round before you get us investigated by the feds!"
Round 3: Cost
"Chet, we know our audience, and no match can end without asking the question: 'Will this ring wind up making me more broke than MC Hammer after the 90's?' Here comes the cost round, and Tungsten's on the move. With a material cost lower than most precious metals, and a malleability that makes it a great additive for any metallic component, Tungsten seems to be owning this round."
"Not so fast Biff. Titanium comes in at a lower cost than gold or silver, proving it can be a budget-friendly option for any manly man looking for a great metal ring."
"But what is this, Chet? Titanium seems to have stumbled! Looks like all that incredible toughness has made it harder to work with, driving up production costs just a bit. And... *DING*... Yes, Tungsten rallies to tie the match!"
Audience Vote: Awesomeness
"We're at an impasse here folks. Go check out Titanium and Tungsten, and decide which ring reigns supreme. We can't decide this match without your help, so cast your vote soon. Until then, we are out of here. As always, I'm Chet, he's Biff, and this has been 'Rings In The Ring.' Goodnight, and happy shopping."